I feel so tired and ineffective lately. I’m constantly trying to balance out a base level of narcissism, and a genuine care and desire to help others. No one wants advice from a 27-year-old, half-way through a graduate program right!? RIGHT!? I’ve got a chip on my shoulder the size of a hipster’s disdain for animal products, a drinking habit to rival Hemingway, and a bizarre mix of arrogance and self-doubt. Who the fuck wants my help, when I’m not sure how to help myself!? And yet, there are those times that I’m so goddamn in awe of the people around me that I’m revived, reaffirmed, and ready to help the world (cue the kumba-fucking-ya already).
I see a pack of ridiculously talented, young counselors learning alongside me (who often wish I would learn to just shut the fuck up), and I’m inspired to do more and be more. That awe is often tempered by that 8th grade Nirvana fan lurking in my heart that wants to burn down a kombucha factory….and I swear to God if you tell me one more time that “Rocky Mountain snow melt” is superior/different to water, I will lose my shit! But I digress, the question I ask is how do I get it together when I’m not even sure if I want to?
Damn I’ve had some fun. Adventures both of the legal and distinctly illegal sort. Men, both of the felon and non-felon sort. Friends, both good influences and good for a good time. How do I say goodbye to a time that has brought so many “holy shit what happened last night” nights. Let’s be real, bologna and spaghetti are food groups at this point. And there is a very real possibility I’ve gone without health insurance for the sake of HBO (Game of Thrones is temporary, but heart disease will still be there when I’m 60). So it isn’t all great, but why am I still quivering my lady balls off at the thought of giving it up/ getting it together?
It might be that I’m afraid I can’t do it. How am I going to help others grow and become the best version of them, when I’m still finding out the best version of me? It might be the responsibility. How do I work in tandem with these amazingly brave individuals, willing to face the reality of living in a world that they don’t always love, and isn’t always kind? Especially when I feel so powerfully chicken-shit at times. Especially when I’m just having too much damn fun to imagine stopping.
I’m just trying to get it together already. Still handing out advice and “That fucker said WHAT?”s, with a vodka rocks in my hand. Still trying to adult, when I’m pretty sure it’s a goddamn commie plot. And still trying to grow (if I must), into someone worthy of the field I’ve chosen to work in.